WALL OF TEXT INCOMING.
I have hit a rut. A creative rut, but also one where my brain chemistry is awry and my mind is telling me about everything I do wrong and how I cannot progress beyond this.
This is how you know that it is a dysfunction of your body and not a human failing... I KNOW I can move forward. I know things will change and that I can work to direct that change. That I can grow. I know I'm not worthless. I want that voice to just shut the ever living fuck up... if it was just a matter of will, don't you think I would have it in submission? Do people really still think in 2020 that you can just "be happy, instead"?? I want to post horrible, shitty art to Instagram and Facebook and be blissfully proud of it until I revisit it in 6 months. I want to jump in to trying new techniques. I want to feel like when I sit down at this table I'm not wasting time, money and tap water and that at some point I will be something other than a wandering soul who just stopped one day. Let herself get lazy.
Every day since before Xmas I have fought the voice, this Unholy Ghost, telling me I look disgusting when I see myself in the mirror. That I am old and far too fat and this world doesn't give a shit about my opinion. That everything I work for and everything I love/want to protect will pass away at the hands of selfish white men wanting to Get Theirs in the midst of their dynasty's death throws. That I am deluded to think I am actually creative enough to produce anything competently; and the most slashing of thoughts - I am always going to fail everyone and everything that counts on me. It is known, says the Ghost.
I know I'm not alone, and that is surely a killing arrow. That there are other kind, amazing, beautiful people out there listening to this motherfucker heap lies in their ears until they start to believe, just a little, that it speaks the truth. Children, I HEAR YOU. It sucks. It sucks so much. It hurts my heart to know you deal with this too.
Let's try something. Tomorrow, let's all get up, drink out 8 glasses of water, eat our fruits and veggies and do our steps. Yoga if it's your thing. Or running. Or playing guitar. Whatever you want. (Cont'd V)